Ensberg, Everett, and Lane Reach Deals; My Head Explodes

It appears the 'Stros have avoided arbitration by signing Mo Ensberg, Adam Everett, and Jason Lane to one-year deals. The numbers, you ask? Read it and weep:

Ensberg--$4,350,000.00
2006 Statistics: .235 BA, 23 HR, 58 RBI

Everett--$2,800,000.00
2006 Statistics: .239 BA, 6 HR, 59 RBI

Lane--$1,050,000.00
2006 Statistics: .205 BA, 15 HR, 45 RBI

I understand that pigs will fly before a player makes less the following year than he did the year before, but are you freaking kidding me? When you're supposed to protect Lance Berkman in the line-up, .235 ain't gonna cut it. Mo had an absolutely torrid April and a very nice May last year before completely imploding, admittedly in large part due to an injury, albeit one that he refused to let heal and insisted on playing through despite its obvious effect on his performance. Lane, after an extremely solid 2005, may have been the biggest disappointment on the entire team last year. He spent a good chunk of time in Round Rock, for chrissakes. And now he's a millionaire? I'll close with this...Adam Everett had a higher batting average and more RBI than either Ensberg or Lane. Adam Everett. The guy who hit. .239 with 59 RBI last season. Wrap your mind around that for a minute.

Needless to say, the only figure that even approaches reasonableness is Everett's salary, and that's primarily because you're paying him for his glove (.990 fielding percentage at a premium defensive position). I realize that management's hands are tied to a large degree in arbitration (e.g., you have to walk a fine line between arguing what a player is really worth and demeaning him to an extent that he'll refuse to re-sign with you when he becomes a free agent). But if .235 will get you a raise to $4.35 million, I need to reevaluate my career choice.

Texans Hire Two New Coaches

The Texans added two new coaches to their staff today: Jethro Franklin (DL) and Larry Kirksey (WR). See more over at Battle Red Blog.

If Rivers Pulls Out..

If it's true that Phillip Rivers aggravated a foot injury in the Chargers' loss to the Patriots and will thus be forced to pull out of the Pro Bowl, sources tell H-Town Sports that David Carr will NOT be chosen as an injury replacement, despite his "statistical progress". It's unfortunate for Carr supporters that #8 will NOT be getting the Maui nod, as much has been made of how good Carr could be with a great offensive line, great running backs, great receiving corps and great coaching, elements that a Pro Bowl team would seem to incorporate quite nicely.

In a related story, who will replace Rivers as the third AFC QB? Tom Brady would seem to be the favorite, but wouldn't it be sweet to see VY get the call? I would certainly be much more likely to watch the Pro Bowl (for the first time in my life) if Vince was participating.

MLB Appears Ready to Further Screw its Fan Base

As reported by The Biz of Baseball and Maury Brown at Baseball Prospectus, Major League Baseball and Direct TV appear close to signing an agreement valued at somewhere near $700 million over seven years, with said agreement making Direct TV the exclusive home for the MLB Extra Innings package and eventually (in 2009) the 24-hour MLB channel. This would result in all cable or Dish Network subscribers being left out of the market for the MLB EI package, a move that unquestionably cements baseball's reputation as money-hungry sport that is repeatedly willing to ditch its fans in search of another dollar.

As Brown writes and as I, a consistent MLB EI subscriber, can personally attest, the MLB EI package already has a significant flaw in that its blackout rules prevent a MLB EI subscriber from watching games involving those teams which are geographically local to his registered address. This ridiculous rule prevents me from being able to watch any games included in the MLB EI package that involve the Astros or the Rangers. Now it appears that as a Dish Network subscriber, I am likely going to get the knife twisted just a little bit deeper starting this season, as I am simply going to be disqualified from the potential subscriber base for the MLB EI package since I am not a Direct TV subscriber. This is just the latest example of why Richard Justice is an idiot. Bud Selig is obviously a popular commissioner in the eyes of his fellow owners and the players, who are both stuffing bills in their pants like a ten-armed Sandy Berger, but the ever-loyal fans of America's Pasttime continue to get taken out behind the woodshed and beaten relentlessly. Justice fails to understand that the success of a sport like baseball must be measured in a much broader context than simple gross revenue flow; in the eyes of its fans, the sport is dying a painful death, and unless a commissioner is brought in who is a pure, true fan of the sport itself rather than the money that flows from it, it may be too late to hope for a successful ressucitation.

UPDATE: Deadspin has now got a post on this story as well.

Can't Wait to See Ted's Reaction...

...to this breaking news story. Next? Bob Stoops from Norman, if you ask me.

And a Resounding "Meh" Echoes Down South Main

Rice acted quickly, if not questionably, in hiring Texas State coach David Bailiff yesterday to replace the departed Todd Graham. Bailiff, whose name suggests he would be better suited for a position on Marvin Lewis' staff in Cincinnati, went 21-15 in three seasons at Texas State, including a ride on Barrick Nealy's shoulders to the 2005 I-AA semifinals. According to the Chronicle, 'Rice officials' believe that Bailiff has a 'stellar reputation as a recruiter and one with unquestionable character.' Bailiff also served as the defensive coordinator for TCU in the 2002 and 2003 seasons.

I'm not here to say whether or not Bailiff will be a good hire; color me skeptical, but uninformed. I'm just curious as to what happened to "serious candidates" Bo Pelini, Willie Martinez and Mark Stoops, all three of which, in my humble opinion, would blow the Bailiff signing out of the water.

Deke Wags His Finger at Age Jokes

We've all heard the ongoing joke that Dikembe Mutombo is older than Methuselah. Suspicions have surrounded him since he was drafted by the Nuggets back in 1991, largely because he didn't come to the United States for college until he was 21. Well, after sixteen (16) seasons in the NBA, the man has had enough.

Personally, I don't see what the problem is. His age, whatever it is, surely hasn't hindered his career or his finances. He's playing like he's 25 years old right now, rebounding like a madman and ably filling in for Yao. Why does he care if the talking heads question his age? All he's got to do is point to the latest box score. Or his Merrill Lynch account balance. Either should shut the haters right up.

It's like when people say that I look like I'm twelve years old. I just whip out the "Spiderman" ticket stub that I always carry around in my wallet. That film was rated PG-13 when it was released back in 2002. So there.

More Expected Astros News: Brad Lidge Re-Ups

It's been a busy couple of days for T-Poo. Love it or hate it, H-Town, but Brad Lidge will be back with the 'Stros in 2007.

Count me among those who are shocked that Purpura didn't aggressively shop Lights Out Lidge this off-season, but I'm glad to see him back. Though he is purely a victim of his own unbelievable success in 2004 and 2005, Lidge is a definite talent and has always stood accountable for his failings, no matter how big the stage (e.g., NLCS; World Series). In a sports world that repeatedly features the finger-pointing of degenerates like T.O., it's impossible not to root for dudes like Lidge. I for one will be praying for him to get his mojo back in '07. Admittedly, I may forget that pledge the first time he leaves one across the plate with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. Hey, I'm only human.

Choose your HOF'er

Rank the following three players in terms of Hall of Fame worthiness:

Player A:
2627 career games
.279 avg/.323 obp/.482 slg
2774 hits, 503 doubles, 98 triples, 438 HR, 1373 runs, 1591 rbi, 314 sb
3 postseason appearances, no World Series appearances
8 All-Star Games, 1 Rookie of Year, 1 MVP (3 top-5 finishes)
8 Gold Gloves, 4 Silver Sluggers

Player B:
1785 career games
.307 avg/.358 obp/.471 slg
2153 hits, 442 doubles, 20 triples, 222 HR, 1007 runs, 1099 rbi, 14 sb
1 postseason appearance, no World Series apperances
6 All-Star Games, 1 MVP (3 top-5 finishes)
9 Gold Gloves, 3 Silver Sluggers

Player C:
2150 career games
.297 avg/.408 obp/.540 slg
2314 hits, 488 doubles, 32 triples, 449 HR, 1517 runs, 1529 rbi, 202 sb
6 postseason appearances, 1 World Series appearance (1 hit)
4 All-Star appearances, 1 Rookie of Year, 1 MVP (3 top-5 finishes)
1 Gold Glove, 3 Silver Sluggers

Player D:
2089 career games
.298 avg/.352 obp/.502 slg
2452 hits, 373 doubles, 79 triples, 382 HR, 1249 runs, 1451 rbi, 58 sb
2 postseason appearances, 1 WS apperances (nine hits)
8 All-Star appearances, 1 MVP (6 top-5 finishes)
0 Gold Gloves, 2 Silver Sluggers

Player E:
2180 career games
.265 avg/.346 obp/.469 slg
2111 hits, 350 doubles, 39 triples, 398 HR, 1197 runs, 1266 rbi, 161 sb
1 postseason appearance
7 All-Star games, 2 MVP (2 top-fives)
5 Gold Gloves, 4 Silver Sluggers

Salary of the Lambs

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the 'Stros have agreed to terms on a one year contract with Mike Lamb. I've said it since he first arrived at Union Station, and I'll say it again: I'll never understand why every American League team that doesn't have an All-Star at DH isn't begging the Astros to part with Lamb. The guy would be a monstrous designated hitter. And while his fielding used to be abhorrent, he's improved it to a point that no longer frightens small children.

Lamb's signing also brings us back to the 3B situation. Apparently, the initial plan is to platoon Morgan Ensberg and Lamb at 3B, with newly signed Mark Loretta moving all around the infield. Sounds good in theory, but I still don't think Loretta signed with the 'Stros with the intention of starting two (2) days a week. Maybe he thinks 2B will be his once Bidge gets to 3,000. Or maybe he's counting on someone to go into an Ensbergian slump, thus making an everyday spot ripe for the picking; given this team's history, that's probably a pretty good bet. Truly, I don't know. I'm still inclined to believe that Loretta's signing, combined with Lamb's return, might push Ensberg out the door. The question is what the Astros could really get for him after he bottomed out for the last four (4) months of the 2006 campaign. Probably not anyone who could help the big club this year.

Magic? Lack of Humidity? Running Faster Sans Handgun?

Please submit your suggestions as to why Jabar Gaffney - a 2nd round draft pick of the Texans in 2002 - is suddenly capable of back-to-back magnificent performances (in the postseason, no less) as he has had the past two weeks against the Jets and Chargers. Judging from the general consensus of the Houston fans that I know, it must certainly be true that (a) Charley Casserly had no idea what he was doing when he drafted Gaffney in 2002, and (b) it was absolutely not David Carr's fault that Gaffney never had a single game like his last two. So in that case, what gives?

Obviously, two games doth not a career maketh, but I need some help in understanding what has happened to make Jabar Gaffney capable of getting open all over the field, when he was ne'er found open downfield in four full seasons in Houston. It cannot possibly be that either Casserly actually drafted a productive player whose talents were wasted by a terrible coaching staff and terrible quarterback, could it? What will you try to tell me next, an ice storm will envelop the Gulf Coast?

Retraction: Mike Sherman Ain't Gonna Be the Cardinals' Next Coach

Although I cited a source for the report, it appears that I was way off in trumpeting Mike Sherman's departure for Arizona. Instead, it seems that the Cards have hired Ken Whisenhunt to be Denny Green's successor in the desert. Ouch.

Sure, I could make a paltry attempt at analogizing my incorrect story to the purchase of furniture, but that would be ridiculous and insulting to the H-Town Sports readership. As such, I simply humbly apologize for my error.

Purpura's Quest to Destroy Franchise Continues, Takes on Nostalgic Twist

Astonishing. Impossible. Deranged. Those are several adjectives that leap to mind after reading Jose de Jesus Ortiz's latest filing with the Chronicle. I will grant you that a minor league invite, as the article suggests was offered, is not a big deal. Obviously, this is a low risk decision, unlike the $40M+ contract that the Astros inked Hidalgo to after the 2000 season. Hidalgo's last major-league season was 2005 with the Mets, where he batted .221 with a .289 OBP and 16 HR in 308 ABs. Last season, Hidalgo posted a .173 average (.489 OPS) in 110 at-bats with the Rookie League Gulf Coast Nationals. Yes, Rookie League.

Nothing against Richard, and God himself knows that the Astros need help in the OF. It just seems like a GM whose team has automatic outs at SS and C and three pitchers in its starting rotation could be acting more productively than negotiating with Richard Freaking Hidalgo's agent! Like for instance, bringing Chris Holt in for a tryout or signing Mitch Meluskey to back up Ausmus.

Who Will Replace Sherman as Texans' OC?

My prediction? Pat McPherson - current QB coach in Denver. I'm only half-kidding. Sure, it's a jab at the Texans for becoming a destination for ex-Broncos staffers, but I'm also somewhat serious that McPherson may be a solid candidate, especially if the rumors of Jake Plummer-to-Houston are true. This is the guy who apparently worked night and day with The Other Snake during his early (read: pre-benched for a rookie) days in Denver. The kid's got a nice enough resume, so assuming Kubes has a nice rapport with him, don't be surprised to see his name pop up as a candidate.

Of course, if Houston's going to be "Broncos South", let's be even more creative. How about Bryan Harsin for Offensive Coordinator? Here's one last name - Mike Dunbar, OC at Cal, formerly at Northwestern and Toledo. I can make no link to the Broncos for Dunbar, so he's probably not a reasonable candidate, but he's headed some very productive offenses over the past six seasons.

Coming Soon: Battle Red Blog!

The fine folks over at SB Nation have invited Tim and me to be their official Texans correspondents, beginning as soon as we can get all of the administrative hurdles cleared. Our plan is to continue operating H-Town Sports under the status quo and to simply move our Texans-related commentary over to Battle Red Blog beginning around the time of the Super Bowl. We'll keep you posted on the status of the new site, and we look forward to seeing you both here and over there in the near future. Hopefully our first post at Battle Red Blog will be celebratory prose trumpeting the termination of David Carr's contract!

Mike Sherman, We Hardly Knew Ye

As is the case with all first-rate staffs, the Texans are being plundered this off-season. First, it was Troy Calhoun leaving for the Air Force gig. Now, it's former Packers head coach (and more importantly, Texans assistant head coach/offensive line guru) Mike Sherman departing Space City for Arizona.

While it would be easy to make a crack about how Sherman must have a death wish, an irrational hatred of Tex-Mex, and/or some sort of complete disregard for the welfare of his own career, we here at H-Town Sports congratulate him on a return to the head-coaching ranks in the NFL. Sure, it means working for Bill Bidwell. Sure, it means coaching a team that is one of the standard-bearers for futility in professional sports. But it could also mean being Paris Hilton's 1,000,000th customer (courtesy of a proper introduction by Matt Leinart), and who can pass that up? Not Mike Sherman.

So vaya con dios, Coach Sherman. We wish you the best. Until you play the Texans, that is, when we'll be wishing you the absolute worst while simultaneously screaming that Gary Kubiak made you.

1836 Makes its Own Splash to Counter Beckham Signing

The Houston 1836 obviously did not want the avalanche of momentum that has coincided with their thrilling MLS Cup victory to be forgotten in the minds of the American Soccer Fan. Concerned that the L.A. Galaxy's recent signing of global superstar David Beckham would tilt the focus of the American soccer world too far to the West, the 1836 made a free agent splash of its own today, signing Andy Richter to a four-year, incentive-laden contract. Richter is expected to spend most of his time in the goal due to his rather plump physique and his troublesome chain-smoking habit. Richter's agent states that there are several creative clauses in his client's deal with the 1836, including a requirement that the halftime orange slices be soaked overnight in Grey Goose and that the postseason awards banquet be held at The Men's Club rather than its usual location, Mr. Gatti's Fun World off of FM 1960.

Blue Light Special on Washed-Up, Injury-Prone, Selfish, Never-Won-Anything NBA "Super"-Stars

Want Chris Webber? How about Steve Francis? Apparently both players are about to be made available, as their respective teams are prepared to negotiate a buyout of the remaining contracts for each player in order to get them the hell off their roster. Interestingly enough, or maybe not-so-interestingly if you regularly follow the black holes that are the Knicks and 76ers, these two legends in their own minds may end up simply swapping roster spots, as the Sixers have reportedly shown interest in Francis and Isiah has shown interest in C-Webb. Could there be any more perfect fit in New York than Webber? I might have to purchase NBA League Pass. Something tells me that Bill Simmons may have something to say on this issue...

Would/Should the Rockets have any interest in either of these two? While Rafer Alston continues to brick away from all angles of the perimeter like it's his life mission, it is clear that the Rockets need help in the backcourt. The return of Steve Francis to The House that He (Allegedly) Built, however, is the worst idea since New Coke. The Rockets have become a winning team based on their JVG-inspired identity as an unselfish offensive team who prides itself on outstanding defense. Steve Francis fits as well into that equation as Rosie O'Donnell does into a child-sized wetsuit.

Webber, however, is another matter. I could envision Webber as being a dangerous offensive weapon off the bench and becoming a very dangerous high-low option to pair with Yao Ming. Defensively, however, Webber obviously leaves much to be desired, especially now that his knees are virtually cartilage-free. For a small amount of money, though, I would not be opposed at all to Webber becoming a Rocket. With Yao out, the Rockets need some interior scoring, and I think Webber could provide that in short bursts, much like Juwan Howard has proven capable of doing in recent games.

One other Rockets note: John Hollinger lists the Rockets' draft-night acquisition of Shane Battier as the #3 move of the offseason, in hindsight, trailing only the Magic's signing of Trevor Ariza and the Nuggest deal for J.R. Smith, both of which netted valuable players at even lower costs than the Rockets paid for Battier. Hollinger also gave the Kirk Snyder deal "honorable metnion" status, and I agree that Snyder's return from his broken wrist will be a welcome sight. Any minutes that can be removed from No-Fer's column constitute a positive move.

Now, This Signing Makes Sense...

This may not have received the fanfare of the Carlos Lee contract (or even the Mark Loretta deal), but the Astros re-signed Dan Wheeler to a one-year contract today.

This was a no-brainer. Wheeler has been one of the most consistent performers in the Houston bullpen for the past couple of seasons, and his ability to close in a pinch (read: when Brad Lidge gets shelled like Berlin in November of 1943 and subsequently loses his mojo) only enhances his value. T-Poo could not let Wheels get away. Nice to see management nail this one down. While I fimrly believe that we'll live to regret letting Russ Springer walk (especially to the Cards), this move makes me feel slightly better about the state of the bullpen in 2007.

Now onto the next issue--signing Jason Jennings to a long-term deal.

A Head-Scratching Acquisition by the 'Stros

I was shocked to read this morning that Mark Loretta will be signing a one-year deal with the 'Stros. Don't get me wrong--Loretta is a very nice player, a career .299 hitter with a great glove. But where is he going to play? Berkman is firmly entrenched at 1B. Bidge will get the majority of the starts at 2B. Despite his below average stick, Adam Everett's glove demands that he handle SS. And you've already got a platoon situation at 3B with Ensberg and Lamb. So where does Loretta fit in?

I really like the idea of adding another bat, but I can't imagine that Loretta is signing up to be a utilityman off the bench. The obvious conclusion is that someone is being shopped, but who? Ensberg? Lamb? This move befuddles me. Regardless, I'm pretty excited that T-Poo just afforded me the opportunity to use "befuddles" in a post.

DeMeco: The Man, The Myth, The Defensive Rookie of the Year

We've been trumpeting DeMeco Ryans' candidacy for sainthood since he was drafted with the first pick of the second round back in April. Nice to see the NFL was listening. A hearty congratulations to DeMeco; this couldn't be more deserved. I only have one question...how did he not receive every stinking vote?

What A Way to Start The Off-Season!

You didn't really think that God would allow the positive mojo of consecutive victories to linger, did you? Of course not. And there's no better way to crush the spirt of a Texans fan than by pouring salt in the open wound that is the offensive line. Today's Chronicle reveals that Charles Spencer may never play again. Are you freaking kidding me? The left tackle spot on that line is akin to getting diagnosed with Ebola. Heretofore, Kubes should mandate that the starter at left tackle has a daily visit with a shaman to ward off the Curse of Tony Boselli.

Most importantly, this has a huge impact on what the Texans do in the draft. Joe Thomas will probably be gone by the time the Texans pick at No. 8, but what was likely a focal point of the team's draft strategy now has to become the focal point.

Mr. Alder, Please Turn In Your "Expert" License at the Front Desk Immediately

James Alder, author of the famous Your Guide to Football newsletter and resident draft expert for About.com, has quite the interesting selection predicted for the Texans in the 2007 Draft: Frank Okam. Sure, he has not revised his draft order to reflect the end-of-the-season results, but that's no problem - James had the Texans taking Okam back when they were slated to draft #3 overall.

The possibilities are endless

1. In a similar story, QB David Carr had his name changed to "Unrestricted Free Agent".

2. In a similar story, CB Dunta Robinson had his name changed to "Blown Coverage".

Actually, Dunta had the line of the day, without question, commenting that he hoped that Domanick W. had his knee replaced at the same time that he had his surname changed out. After watching the first half of the Fiesta Bowl, I'd be happy to see Jared Zabransky change his name to "Texans Starting QB".