H-Town Sports

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Drunken Drafting, H-Town Sports Style - Part Two of Three

Just after the NBA draft was completed, but prior to anyone involuntarily returning their pollo to the city infrastructure, the four gurus took an ill-fated swing at baseball GM-ship. Starting from scratch, each participant was ordered to create a major-league winner. The draft order: Tim, ET, Scott and Vandenberg. Vandenberg was distracted several times throughout these proceedings and was substituted for by the well-qualified L-Train, who served quite notably in his absence.

Round One:

Tim - Albert Pujols
ET - Derek Jeter
Scott - Johan Santana
Vandenberg - Roger Clemens

Analysis: If not according to form, the first round was certainly exciting. Conventional wisdom held through the...first pick, after which ET decided that character outweighed production by selecting Mariah Carey's ex-beau second overall. Scott took Santana third, possibly just to maintain a sense of consistency with his 2006 fantasy baseball draft, in which he stunned his competitors by drafting the lefty ex-Astro farmhand second overall. As for Vandenberg's first round pick, there's no doubt that the blue-tinted margaritas played a role in this emotional choice. Tears certainly rolled down the faces of many an owner after witnessing this epic disaster.

Round Two:
Tim - A-Rod
ET - Lance Berkman
Scott - Vladimir Guerrero
Vandenberg - Craig Biggio

Analysis: Once again, Tim showed the ability to sell his own soul to the antichrist by selecting a universally-hated player. ET chose local favorite The Big Puma, mostly because she thinks he's "cute", but also because he hits lots of home runs. I admittedly was in the middle of ordering another margarita and was rushed to judgment, though it is hard to argue with Vlad. As for Vandenberg, he clearly continued to suffer the impact of excessive chemical distraction, selecting a 40 year-old second baseman as a cornerstone of his brand new franchise. Vandenberg was certainly correct, however, in noting that he would likely have the first two inductees in the hall of fame to be associated with this make-believe league, a factor which the rest of the table had clearly overlooked in making its own selections.

Round Three:
Tim - Chase Utley
ET - Randy Johnson
Scott - Miguel Cabrera
Vandenberg - Nomar

Analysis: In a move similar to Scott's selection of Santana in the first round, Tim went for shameless back-slapping in the third round, selecting Chase Utley, mostly with the intent of rubbing in Scott's face the fact that Tim owned the rights to Chase in fantasy baseball this season and would not trade him to Scott even if it meant certain victory. ET followed with a Vandenberg-like pick, trying to catch nostalgia in a bottle by taking the Big Unit. Scott made a strangely sound baseball move, drafting a young'un who oozes talent in Miggy Cabrera. As Vandenberg was incapacitated for the third round pick, his apt assistant L-Train made her selection three times, not because her competitors could not hear her but moreso because they could not believe what they were hearing.

Round Four:
Tim - Roy Halladay
ET - Adam Dunn
Scott - Ken Griffey
Vandenberg - Mike Sweeney

Analysis: This round is evidence that the drinks had begun to take serious and irreversible effects. Tim had obviously been sent to a near-comatose state in which he was only able to recite names of players on his current fantasy team, although Roy is certainly no slouch. Elizabeth's pick of Adam Dunn was understandable, but Scott's pick of KGJ was somewhat shaky. It is possible that Scott's mancrush on all things Red played a significant role in this selection. Finally, L-Train made her final pick of the evening. Like the selection of Nomar in the round previous, the selection of Mike Sweeney led to considerable debate among the participants, such as, "Is he still in the league" and "Are you sure you wouldn't rather take Mike LaValliere"?

Round Five:
Tim - Scott Kazmir
ET - Aaron Boone
Scott - Ryan Howard
Vandenberg - Chris Carpenter

Analysis: Lock of the night: Tim's now incoherent. For the third consecutive round, he drafts a player off of his fantasy team simply because he was working with a severely short-stacked deck at this point. ET has completely discarded on-field production by now and is looking solely at centerfold potential. Scott seems to be maintaining his balance quite well, rebounding from his previous reeeeeaach of Junior with a solid pick in Ryan Howard. Vandenberg surprised everyone upon his return to the table, selecting a player who could potentially improve his team's chances of winning. Hopefully he's also a lumbar specialist, as his previous selection is likely in need of an adjustment.

Round Six:
Tim - Jonathan Papelbon
ET - Sean Casey
Scott - Jake Peavy
Vandenberg - Morgan Ensberg

Analysis: Led by the infinite wisdom of John Kruk and motivated by the theme illustrated in his previous three picks, Tim wrapped up his draft by picking a pitcher whose thrown exactly 62 major-league innings, but who admittedly does have a bright future. ET's selection of Sean Casey led one manager to allege that she had already wrapped up the stat category "GIDP" in the standings. Jake Peavy was a vengeful pick for Scott, taken stubbornly in the hopes of reversing the karma of a potentially devestating fantasy trade involving JP the previous week. Vandenberg continued his trend of stockpiling local talent, taking Morgan Ensberg, who may be called on to play some first base in the event that Vandenberg's fourth-round pick is not freed from his body cast prior to Opening Day.

All in all, it is quite safe to say that the combatants in this baseball free-for-all should continue to pursue their day jobs quite feverishly. Tim seems to have come out on top in this second event, though one is not sure if it is because he intentionally took good players or that his mind was incapable of venturing "beyond the beyond".

Final stop: The NFL Draft


Blogger Tim said...

Despite your blatant arse-kissing in the "analysis" of the NBA Draft, it's clear to every reader that I came out on top in both the NBA and MLB drafts. NOTE--I'll reserve judgment on the NFL Draft, as I think my QB selection could have been a bit of a Townsendian reach in the second round.

Back to MLB: Was I expressing sincere solidarity with my real fantasy squad (aptly named Gallo With Techron) by selecting Utley, Halladay, Kazmir, and Johnny Cakes? Damn straight. Were they all still amazingly shrewd choices? Without a doubt. I need to quit this law gig and become a GM immediately. This is too great a gift to share only with the drunkards at El Patio.

Mon Jun 05, 04:45:00 PM  
Blogger Vandenberg said...

There is no chance that I made any of those picks. Smells like Team Vandenberg was riding the L Train from wire to wire in the MLB draft. Also, I don't remember any of this happening. Blue margaritas are an evil temptress.

Mon Jun 05, 05:17:00 PM  

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