Drunken Drafting, H-Town Sports Style - Part One of Three
It's quite clear that alcohol and boating do not mix. Neither do alcohol and driving, or alcohol and math homework. The co-founders of H-Town Sports did stumble into something Saturday night that does mix quite nicely with an excess of ballpark beers, and that's fantasy sports drafts.
After watching Ryan Freel make a cold-blooded catch to rip the hearts out of 35,000 Astros fans, a foursome of well-lubricated sports fans left Minute Maid Park in search of some Tex-Mex and a margarita machine. Both were located in due course, but little did we know that the sizzling fajitas would be a secondary course behind a two-hour, multi-sport draft session. Here is a recap, starting with the NBA:
Understand that there were no rules to this intense drill. The mission was simply to begin an organization from scratch as of today with the goal of winning an immediate championship. The draft order was determined in very imprecise fashion by yours truly, who crushed a tortilla chip up into four non-equally sized pieces and drew them at random out of his grimy paw. H-Town Sports' own Tim kicked off the proceedings, to be followed by The Mayor of Nashville, the wife of Kentucky Scott (who will be lovingly referred to herein as "ET") and lastly, yours truly. The results are as follows:
Team Tim:
Round One: LeBron - clear #1 overall pick
Round Two: Yao - imagine this 1-2 punch...it's like T-Mac with an all-round floor game
Round Three: Steve Nash
Round Four: Kobe - this pick came with a disclaimer that team chemistry was not an issue
Round Five: KG - a clear sign of insobriety that The Big Ticket was still available in Round Five
Analysis: Steve Nash could average 30 assists a game with this lineup, conditioned upon the opponent scoring at will because this starting five would get massacred on the boards. Kobe would most assuredly refuse to shoot in protest of being surrounded by an excess of talent, and Yao would be hospitalized with fatigue after two scrimmages of trying to keep up with Nash, LeBron and KG on their perpetual fastbreak. Overall Grade: B-plus.
Team Vandenberg:
Round One: Dwyane Wade - someone's been watching SportsCenter
Round Two: Chauncey Billups - someone's ONLY been watching SportsCenter
Round Three: Ben Wallace - I sense a theme here
Round Four: Tim Duncan
Round Five: Jason Kidd
Analysis: Where to begin. The press is going to have a field day with this assortment of wild and crazy personalities. There are more laughs in an episode of the George Lopez show than there would be in an entire season of post-game interviews from this troupe. But of course, it's on-the-court performance that counts most. Interior defense: outstanding. Ballhandling and passing: outstanding. Every other facet of the game: completely lacking. With Kidd and Wallace, you've got two complete zeros shooting the ball. D-Wade would apparently play the three, causing some serious issues on defense. This roster is clearly the result of ESPN's hypnosis of the Average NBA Fan. Overall grade: C-minus.
Team ET:
Round One: Shaq Diesel - hard to argue with taking the most dominant player of this generation
Round Two: Carmelo - leading the league in street cred
Round Three: The Guy Dating Eva Longoria - unsure of the position he plays, but certain of his red-carpet status, ET makes the first pick based on her chief scout, Ted Casablanca
Round Four: T-Mac - hometown hero
Round Five: Chuck Hayes - this pick drew the ire of some GMs, but I found it brilliant
Analysis: Quinn Buckner could coach this team to an NBA title. Superstars are slotted at every position but PF, which is occupied by The Most Efficient Player in the NBA, Chuck Hayes. This team clearly would play its home games in Hollywood, and Stuart Scott would buy season tickets. T-Mac and Carmelo would be free to shoot at will, and Chuck would set them screens about which the average NBA gunner only dreams. Overall Grade: A
Team Scott:
Round One: Dirk - trendy pick at the moment
Round Two: Amare Stoudamire - not sure that this one has been cleared by the team doctors
Round Three: Tayshaun Prince - Tayshaun is special, but a top-12 NBA player...?
Round Four: Chris Paul - sneaky good pick here
Round Five: Ray Allen
Analysis: This team is intriguing. Length is certainly a strength here, but interior defense could be a bit of an issue. Kelvin Cato could likely go for 20 and 10 against this crew. However, imagine a fastbreak with Paul leading the team down the floor, Prince and Amare filling the wings and Dirk and Allen trailing for a spot-up three. High on creativity, low on practicality. Overall Grade: B-minus.
That does it for Saturday night's NBA festivities. Considering the fact that this event was first in the chronological sequence of events, it went rather by-the-book. Stay tuned for the MLB and NFL versions, which came subsequent to several additional rounds of Cuervo and Coors Light, whicih will be self-evident upon display.
After watching Ryan Freel make a cold-blooded catch to rip the hearts out of 35,000 Astros fans, a foursome of well-lubricated sports fans left Minute Maid Park in search of some Tex-Mex and a margarita machine. Both were located in due course, but little did we know that the sizzling fajitas would be a secondary course behind a two-hour, multi-sport draft session. Here is a recap, starting with the NBA:
Understand that there were no rules to this intense drill. The mission was simply to begin an organization from scratch as of today with the goal of winning an immediate championship. The draft order was determined in very imprecise fashion by yours truly, who crushed a tortilla chip up into four non-equally sized pieces and drew them at random out of his grimy paw. H-Town Sports' own Tim kicked off the proceedings, to be followed by The Mayor of Nashville, the wife of Kentucky Scott (who will be lovingly referred to herein as "ET") and lastly, yours truly. The results are as follows:
Team Tim:
Round One: LeBron - clear #1 overall pick
Round Two: Yao - imagine this 1-2 punch...it's like T-Mac with an all-round floor game
Round Three: Steve Nash
Round Four: Kobe - this pick came with a disclaimer that team chemistry was not an issue
Round Five: KG - a clear sign of insobriety that The Big Ticket was still available in Round Five
Analysis: Steve Nash could average 30 assists a game with this lineup, conditioned upon the opponent scoring at will because this starting five would get massacred on the boards. Kobe would most assuredly refuse to shoot in protest of being surrounded by an excess of talent, and Yao would be hospitalized with fatigue after two scrimmages of trying to keep up with Nash, LeBron and KG on their perpetual fastbreak. Overall Grade: B-plus.
Team Vandenberg:
Round One: Dwyane Wade - someone's been watching SportsCenter
Round Two: Chauncey Billups - someone's ONLY been watching SportsCenter
Round Three: Ben Wallace - I sense a theme here
Round Four: Tim Duncan
Round Five: Jason Kidd
Analysis: Where to begin. The press is going to have a field day with this assortment of wild and crazy personalities. There are more laughs in an episode of the George Lopez show than there would be in an entire season of post-game interviews from this troupe. But of course, it's on-the-court performance that counts most. Interior defense: outstanding. Ballhandling and passing: outstanding. Every other facet of the game: completely lacking. With Kidd and Wallace, you've got two complete zeros shooting the ball. D-Wade would apparently play the three, causing some serious issues on defense. This roster is clearly the result of ESPN's hypnosis of the Average NBA Fan. Overall grade: C-minus.
Team ET:
Round One: Shaq Diesel - hard to argue with taking the most dominant player of this generation
Round Two: Carmelo - leading the league in street cred
Round Three: The Guy Dating Eva Longoria - unsure of the position he plays, but certain of his red-carpet status, ET makes the first pick based on her chief scout, Ted Casablanca
Round Four: T-Mac - hometown hero
Round Five: Chuck Hayes - this pick drew the ire of some GMs, but I found it brilliant
Analysis: Quinn Buckner could coach this team to an NBA title. Superstars are slotted at every position but PF, which is occupied by The Most Efficient Player in the NBA, Chuck Hayes. This team clearly would play its home games in Hollywood, and Stuart Scott would buy season tickets. T-Mac and Carmelo would be free to shoot at will, and Chuck would set them screens about which the average NBA gunner only dreams. Overall Grade: A
Team Scott:
Round One: Dirk - trendy pick at the moment
Round Two: Amare Stoudamire - not sure that this one has been cleared by the team doctors
Round Three: Tayshaun Prince - Tayshaun is special, but a top-12 NBA player...?
Round Four: Chris Paul - sneaky good pick here
Round Five: Ray Allen
Analysis: This team is intriguing. Length is certainly a strength here, but interior defense could be a bit of an issue. Kelvin Cato could likely go for 20 and 10 against this crew. However, imagine a fastbreak with Paul leading the team down the floor, Prince and Amare filling the wings and Dirk and Allen trailing for a spot-up three. High on creativity, low on practicality. Overall Grade: B-minus.
That does it for Saturday night's NBA festivities. Considering the fact that this event was first in the chronological sequence of events, it went rather by-the-book. Stay tuned for the MLB and NFL versions, which came subsequent to several additional rounds of Cuervo and Coors Light, whicih will be self-evident upon display.
posted by Scott | 10:07 AM
3 Comments:
In light of Saturday's draft, Team Vandenberg has fired President of Basketball Operations Jose Cuervo. The Mayor of Nashville is also rumored to have said that GM Jack Daniels' job could be in jeopardy. When reached for comment, Daniels stated, "There is no doubt in my mind that my job is secure. Cuervo and I have always had a difference in philosophy. Now this team is unquestionably mine."
I thought Don Nelson set the standard for nepotism in the NBA until I read Scott's analysis of ET's draft. A team of Shaq, Melo, Pepe Le Pew, T-Mac, and Chuck Freaking Hayes is better than LeBron, Yao, Nash, Kobe, and KG? Give me a break. I guess Scott was still daintily sipping blue margaritas when he wrote his "review." Scott's analysis might as well be called fajitas fritas, because it made me throw up.
Hey, you got a B+. That's nothing to hang your head about. Opinions may vary, but my personal opinion is that your roster, while certainly not short on star power, does not 'mesh' the way that ET's roster does. I say that hers would beat yours more often than not in a head-to-head series.
As for the predictable cries of nepotism, save your breath until Parts Two (MLB) and Three (NFL) are posted. ET stands to get a well-deserved bundle of abuse upon review of her work in those two drafts.
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